I hope this doesn’t offend anyone, but I have to share my opinion on a very serious subject today.  It is a terrible affliction and we cannot go on tolerating it.

So I hereby issue my public plea to all church rubbers…please STOP!  You know who you are…maybe you call yourselves a church scratcher….or a church massager….whatever the name it has GOT to stop.  I’m sure your spouse is thoroughly enjoying having his back rubbed for the entirety of the sermon, but please….for the love of everything holy and pure can you just stop?  Now, to be fair I’ve tried to put myself in your position.  I’ve tried to think about how I would handle the irresistible urge to scratch the back of the person sitting next to me in church and I understand that it’s a very difficult thing not to do.  But I want you to know that I’m here to help.  So next time I see you massaging your husband’s head while were singing "shout to the Lord" I’ll reach over and smack your hand.  If that will help you I’m willing to make that sacrifice…I’m all about being a team player.